Dating 101: Girl Talk (For the Men)

Dear Potential Knights-in-Shining-Armor,

I’d like to offer you all a little advice regarding the feminine mystique.

Sincerely yours,

L

Let’s talk Girl Talk. 

I’m pretty much an expert considering I’ve been Girl Talk-ing since 1988 – thanks to our neighborhood Toys”R”Us! 

Girl Talk circa 2009

Let’s get to business…

The National Institute for Mental Health claims that the human brain isn’t fully developed until age 25. (http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A52687-2005Jan31.html).  I think it is safe to say that most of our lovely Q+DD readers are teetering around or are over quarterlife, so I think it’s time for us to all start understanding each other – and I’d like to help!

I am sure it is not surprising to anyone to hear that females aren’t generally literal.  We sugarcoat, dance around issues and we rarely say exactly what we mean.  We do this to men and women alike.  We find it difficult to tell a friend that her new haircut is heinous or that “yes, you do, in fact, look particularly enormous in that outfit.”  Oftentimes, we say one thing, but mean another completely – and we expect our men to know what we really mean.  Naturally, this misdirection confuses men.  So, here’s a little cheat sheet to help you guys out:

What Women Say vs. What We Mean…

1- Fine:  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2- Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed – this means a half an hour.  Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3- Nothing:  This is the calm before the storm.  This means something – and you should be on your toes.  Arguments that begin with “nothing” usually end in “fine.”

4- Go Ahead:  This is a dare – not permission.  Don’t. Do. It.

5- Loud Sigh:  This is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men.  A loud sigh does not mean that she is tired.  It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.  (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of “nothing.”)

6- That’s Okay:  This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.  “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7- Thanks:  A woman is thanking you – do not question.  Just say you’re welcome.  (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all.  DO NOT say “you’re welcome.”  That will likely evoke a “whatever”).

8- Whatever:  Is a women’s way of cursing without sounding like a sailor.

9- Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it:  Another dangerous statement – meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.  This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?”  For the woman’s response refer to #3.

10- It’s Your Decision: The correction decision should be obvious by now…

IMPORTANT:  When a woman asks: “Do I look fat in this dress?”  You should NEVER say “yes.”  Ever.  What she is really saying is: “We haven’t had a fight in a while.”  It’s a trap.  Don’t fall for it – you are smarter than that.

Print this out.  Study it.  Keep it in your wallet for reference.  And, feel free to contact the Q+DD (thequickanddirtydirty@gmail.com) with follow-up questions.  Good luck out there! 

We are rooting for you!!

xx, L